OH I feel so good! today was wonderful, despite the usual annoyances with being single on valentine's day. Everyone has given rave reviews about the show, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I always dreamed of my senior show being like this; a little girl even asked for my autograph! The big cast party is here on Saturday, and I'm a little nervous that I might cry and realize that I won't do another show with these amazing people. But for now I just have a lot of planning and buying to do.
Although I do have a major crush that is very unrequited, things certainly seem to be looking up. I've gotten over the "loss" of friends and realized that I need nothing more than the friends I have now. They're constantly supportive of every decision I make and are never afraid to tell me what they think. I am SO thankful for you five, you know exactly who you are. I'm currently on the lookout for a new job, and in the process of scheduling my road test so I can FINALLY get my license. I'm looking forward to this vacation so I can spend quality time having movie parties and sleepovers, and also get two projects done.
I hope I stay this happy for a while.

about not being able to eat, it sucks.
i really really really need to loose more weight. i mean, my diet went pretty well until today when i found out one of my costumes is stomach-less. yes, i wear a bra.FAB!

i need to know the reason i feel like my life is falling apart. slowly but surely, my friends are disappearing. dan doesn't talk to me anymore, Hillary has better people to hang out with, and everyone else doesn't have the time for me. i'm VERY STRESSED out for the show and apparently people don't think i'm doing a good job. great, isn't it? like i always say, if sarah and allison ever left, i would die. LITERALLY. if i don't hurt myself today, i never will.

I feel like 2006 was a "milestone" year for me. One where I changed, turned an important age, learned new things, and made new and amazing friends.
Although it started out with quite the bit of drama, all of the petty problems it caused are now fixed and relationships stronger because of it. The end of the school year turned out wonderfully when I learned my class rank and achieved high grades on my finals and AP exams. But the summer was when it all started. As dumb and cliche as it might sound, Birdie changed my life. Or, the people who I met did.
Gene: You have taught me so much about who I am as a performer, choreographer, teacher, and a person. You've supported me in everything I do and I'm not sure how I can ever even begin to repay you.
Rosie: Thinking back to the first time I met you, there's no way I could even begin to imagine the friendship we would have. I got annoyed cause you didn't ask gene a question I told you to ask him. So I turned to the girl sitting next to me at callbacks and said "She's taking a really long time." and the girl replied "She's my best friend." Obviously the girl was Molly, and i was really embarrassed. Now I say you're MY best friend.

gonna edit this later.

WARNING. this entry may be offensive to people who are dumb.
okay so i hate situations involved with boys. how come every time i like someone they kinda-like me or like me but dont do anything about it or change their minds a few times? I mean, please. its not that goddamn difficult. its so pathetic that i still like "mich". stephanie is convinced we should get married because we fight and just are stupid all the time, but i really think he just does it cause we're friends. not cause he likes me(as much as i wish that was the case) but because we're friends. steph says that her sat logic and reasoning are right, and that he's in love with me, and that we're gonna get married and live happily ever after. i'm just praying that her 2100 means she's right.

i also am completely and totally done with "bobo"(yes, allie and i made up that name. but no, i cannot explain it or it will give away their identity. but basically, they're just a big fat ugly idiot.). they pretend to be great friends with me but are sososoosso incredibly fake everytime we speak. in the hallway, i dont get "hello" or "hey". i get a glare or a half smile. they think that they're special and wonderful at everything and also that we used to be best friends. not true. they think that my best friends like them better than they like me. again, not true. they pretend to know everything about everything when they do not. bobo is apparently too good to participate in activities that they brag about consantly. i am forced to embarrass myself while they get to sit and watch. BOBO IS SO GODDAMN STUPID. STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE SMART AND FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL AND NICE. bobo is obnoxious and rude and i wish that i would never have to deal with them again. but unfortunately, we live in the same small town, hang out with the same people(well, not so much since bobo reportedly started smoking pot. i hope it rots their brains out) and are in many of the same activities.
that felt good.

i miss birdie. i've probably said this a million times but its so incredibly true. everyone, well mostly everyone, was really great. rosie and molly especially. i felt like i could tell anyone in the cast how i was feeling and they could help me through it and be my friend for a long time. i hope they all will be. but its just so hard living so far away from them. i mean, we all have our own stuff we have to do so we can't see each other every weekend or talk on the phone all the time. this weekend is rosie's play and i wanna go see it but i'm not sure that my parents will drive me or that i have time to go. i haven't spent like quality time with her. at emily's everyone was crazy and i was with chris mostly. at rocky she was with her friends and i wasn't too happy so it was wierd. i feel like i'm drifting from her like i did with kim and i hate it. rosie and i had such a strong bond, i never felt so close to anyone ever. i just wish we could build it back up again. i want to talk to her like everyday and just tell her everything. at school, most of my friends are too busy with their own stuff and get mad at me for stupid things or whatever. sarah's pretty much my saneness. i just wish it could be summer again. i need those people.

i did this at the beginning of the summer, i'll do it again with the same people.

1. to write this one gives me the biggest relief. Before, I said how scared I was that I couldn't seem to go on without you. Well, I took a step forward and now you're back in my life. I can tell you everything and often go on the computer just to talk to you. it hurt so bad when we were apart, and it feels so amazing to be back on the same level with you. you really are one of my best friends and i love you.

2. a few weeks ago, i would've said we were the total opposite of the beginning of the summer. for a while, i was afraid i was losing you. i think we understand each other now, and just need to make time. i want to talk to you and be with you everyday but sometimes its really hard. i dont have to say this, cause you know that you're still my bestest friend and i love you. totally.

3. i'm not sure i have secrets to share with you. you're too naive. you need to learn how to be a badass and lie sometimes. theres no need to always tell mom everything. just go with the flow.

4. college will be good for you. we'll have more to talk about, and maybe you'll gain weight. (hopefully!) i might even admit that i miss you. but only a little.

5. thank the lord you're gone. i dont want to keep in touch with you. i dont want to know how you're doing. i dont want you to come home and visit. i dont want to be involved with you because you'll ruin my life again. and it feels AMAZING to not have you around.

6. you still confuse me, but i love you. i spend my days thankful that i'm no longer on your bad side. you're hilarious and you always make me feel better when i've had a bad day. plus, your boobs are giant.

7. why don't you talk to me anymore? i IM you, and i never get a response. i post a comment on your myspace saying that i miss you, and you never tell me you miss me too. sad, how we drifted apart so quickly. i want to meet your boyfriend, eat chinese food on your couch and do all the fun stuff we used to do. you'll read this, and hopefully figure out its you.

8.i still have a crush on you? AH this is the same entry as before. you're soo cute. but now, you're confusing as well. you tell one person you like me, and another that you dont? just decide, honeybunches.

9. sometimes, i'm embarrased to admit how much you mean to me. kids at school might think i'm dorky or that you'll treat me better than you will them. and you probably will, but i love being your "daughter". this summer was the most amazing summer of my life, and i really mean that. you brought me into a community where i met the most amazing people who live on long island. i miss seeing you everyday in person(i see you everyday on long island paneling and now autoworld commercials)

10. you're a big fat bitch. one day last week, you just decided to give me an attitude. thats not okay. i will not take that from you. i plan to be a bitch right back.

11. i am still SO lucky to have met you. you give me great advice, and i can count on you for anything and everything. i can't even explain how much i treasure your friendship and love you. i wish more than anything in the world that you lived closer so i could spend every minute with you, laughing and crying. dont' change.

12. I'll do this one for the both of you(again). first one: you're cute. you always make me happy when i'm around you. thanks for that. second: this year has been awesome. i love being your best friend. we have so much in common and we just go together. i just wish one thing: that i could talk to you about boys. i feel like when i tell you i like someone, or that i think someone likes me, you feel offended, or something. and then act like they would never like me and make me feel like crap.

13. where did you go? we have a lack of giant asses in dance class.

14. you're too much. you somehow manage to make everything we do fun and hide the fact that you're stressed out of your mind. i know its so hard for you with them, but i admire you so much.

15. today, you were a bitch. but i love you so much. its hard, being this close and knowing everything about one another. but we've gotten this far-there's nothing left to do but stay friends. i know we will.

UGH i hate this so much. i hate being lonely and i hate getting different opinions from my friends and i hate feeling pathetic. i mean, i haven't had a real boyfriend since SOPHOMORE year. however you may argue, it still makes me feel disgusting and unwanted. people tell me i'm pretty, but that doesn't make me feel like i'm loved. this is stupid, but its really how i feel and it makes me upset when everyone of my best friends talks about their boyfriends or hookups or whatever. i mean, do i need to be a slut and go to parties and get drunk to start a relationship? i just feel depressed and lonely. and it sucks.

so maybe i'm depressed? probably about colleges. i was really quiet at rosie's and she asked what was wrong but i didn't know. i had so much fun though, on saturday. i can't believe how much i miss everyone. i hugged rosie, max and chris for like an hour each. emily's party is soo soon! wooot for wilma, betty and fred.
ILOVECAP.

i can't deal with this. i really don't think i can do it. the whole thing is making me upset, and sarah's the only one who understands. i almost cried on homecoming, i'll have you know. i did nothing NOTHING at all, and out of nowhere you treat me like shit. fine, treat me like shit. but dont treat me like shit AND try to steal my best friend. that's crossing the line. sarah's upstate today, so i can't even call her to talk about it. UGHHHH i hate you. i really and truly hate you right now.